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This photo sums up the changes in our lives.
For 12+ years I avoided Santa, children, shopping centers, commercials and just about everything else media and society shoves down your throat this time of year.
This year he was a “jolly ole’ elf” and I cried tears of joy, disbelief and thanks for the greatest blessing we have ever received.
Sarah Jessica Parker, Celine Dion, Elton John, Neil Patrick Harris it’s nice work if you can get it. Most of us don’t have that type of work most of us go to work every day. Worries are about insurance, car payments and mortgages.
Our desire to have a child is just as deep if not deeper than the celebrities that have highlighted the news the past few years.
We play the waiting game. we play chess with our finances we downsize trade-in our 401(k)s and sell all we have that has any value. Things you once thought you could never part with, jewelry, china, silver, family heirlooms. They have no value compared to the longing of a child.
Supply and demand is what makes the business world work it has no place in the business of babies and completing families.
As the media keeps highlighting the wonderful lives of the rich and famous those of us who are neither rich nor famous our being left behind, far behind.
I don’t blame and have never blamed gestational surrogates. If I was offered two “jobs” but one paid significantly more of course I would take the higher salary. I suppose the celebrity would be a bonus for some.
Where does this leave us? You? The next round of women that hear the word infertility.
For a long time I believed there would be this wonderful woman, someone I would be proud to call my friend that would come into our lives. I could send her care packages and visit. Hold her hand when she was not feeling well and sit next to her in the doctors waiting room.
The time would come we could hear that sweet heartbeat and down the road watch our dream swim in her belly. I wanted her to be as sure of me as a parent as I was with her being my precious carrier.
That time has never come.
The more we are outbid the more years pass by.
Is there someone out there that will see us as the brass ring? Our extended family and our friends as brass rings?
Only time will tell but without my faith, strength and foundation this wait would be over.
I would have surrendered, ripped up our shrinking bank statement carried the longing of our child with me for the rest of my life.
You learn about time. What it means. That something you have always been aware of can flash by as you age and inch by as you wait. Wait for test results, wait for blood stained underwear, wait to be rolled on hospital stretchers, wait for home studies, phone calls, pharmacy bills and the perfect match to one day come.
So we wait.
1. Endometriosis
2. Miscarriage (5)
3. Infertility
4. Failed International Adoption
5. Thyroid Disease
6. Hysterectomy
7. Finding Infertility Clinics
8. Seven surgeries to help conceive
9. Finding a Surrogate
10. One of our twins goes to Heaven
11. Blood clots in my lungs and legs with our last pregnancy
12. The endless fear of bleeding and saying goodbye again & again
13. Spending a Christmas Season with a 50/50 shot of surviving while carrying our last pregnancies
14. Loosing years of my life to severe pain. Not the pain that is bad enough to make you cry or throw up, the kind of pain that makes your body shut down. You space out, pass out and black out.
Blurred Lines But Hope 